This post is all about setting boundaries with family.

We’ve always been told that family comes first. That the ultimate rescue boat that will be there to catch us is family. But what happens when the people who are supposed to love you and put you first – just as much as you do for them – become the source of your wounds? This, unfortunately, is a reality that really exists out there in the world, and almost nobody talks about it.

We’ll talk about:

• A deeper dive into family toxicity
• Mental health damage
• Practical ways to set boundaries
• The grief process
• The aftermath

for more, visit my Pinterest @lifewthvee

A Deeper Dive into Family Toxicity

Family toxicity, more often than not, shows up as innocent ways to get close to us. Ever heard of “I only want what’s best for you.” or “I’m just trying to help you.”? That’s family toxicity at its best, masking itself as love and care, but it only leaves marks all over our self-esteem and leaves us depending on it.

• Parents who share your private struggles at family gatherings.
• Your father compares you to other kids.
• Grandparents who keep guilt-tripping you into anything.
• Your mother using money to manipulate situations

It’s not a figment of your imagination. These types of behaviour aren’t normal. Of course, you can get hurt by them.

Your Mental Health When There Are No Boundaries

Imagine yourself like a branch of a tree, and toxic family dynamics are like strings of weights. Each interaction adds another weight until you break under the weight of:

• Chronic anxiety about taking the first step to try to mend things between you and them, only to be met with harassment.
• Depression from constant criticism and the thought that there is no light at the end of the tunnel
• Diminished self-worth from years of subtle undermining and constant self-doubt

Every time you had to make yourself smaller to keep the peace. Every time you got verbally abused because you tried to speak up for yourself. Every time you heard them talking negatively about you. Your body is no stranger to all of this hurt.

Your Emotional Rights: Setting Family Boundaries That Stick

It’s only right to protect yourself from what hurts you. Boundaries are like the emotional equivalent of a warm blanket when you get cold. You feel safe and cared for, even if it means you’re the only one doing it for yourself. Here’s how to start:

1. Start Small
   • Don’t force yourself to accept calls from them when you don’t want to
   • Let yourself feel the emotions; don’t bottle them up
   • Accept the reality that there’s no point in waiting for them to change if they don’t want to
2. Use Clear Language
   • “I need space right now”
   • “I’m not comfortable with that topic”
   • “No”
3. Be Consistent
   • Don’t make exceptions, even when guilt-tripped
   • Remember: pushback means it’s working

Grief in Between Family Boundaries

It takes a great toll on us when we set boundaries with people that we love. There’s a grief process even when we start to love ourselves because you could mourn:

• The unconditional love and care you’re giving to yourself that was supposed to be given by them
• The childhood you should’ve had
• The family gatherings that weren’t supposed to be occasions for your family to talk negatively about you

This type of grief is different from the others. Some holidays will be hard to bear, especially when you decide to spend them away from your family. What matters is you will always let yourself feel the feelings, because that is also another form of self-love.

You Shouldn’t Be Alone

Healing is rarely a solo journey, it’s also vital that you surround yourself with people who can be strong for you when you can’t, including:

• A skilled therapist who understands family trauma
• Communities who’ve struggled on similar paths
• Trusted friends who can become your second family

Remember: family isn’t just about blood. It doesn’t mean that it will always be rainbow and sunshine, but anyone who can show you love and support when you most need it is worthy to be called “family”.

After Setting the Boundaries

The aftermath of setting family boundaries won’t be easy because you’re creating a totally new beginning for yourself, minus the verbal abuse and chronic anxiety.

Every time you choose yourself, every time you choose peace instead of chaos, you choose to heal yourself – and you’re also showing others it’s possible to build a life filled with joy and real love, even if it means loving your family from a distance.

And remember: setting boundaries with family isn’t selfish, it’s not about cutting ties. Loving someone from a safe distance, it’s a real thing.

This post was all about setting boundaries with family.